


Because That's Not Cliché At All No Sir

by swiftMartyrdom (gatonip)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, featuring a tree a court trial and Troll Will Smith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 02:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1493482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatonip/pseuds/swiftMartyrdom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luckily for you, she isn't shy about speaking her mind, and if your feelings are reciprocated, this is the opportune chance to find out.</p><p>Surprisingly though, she’s still silent.</p><p>You prod her shoe. “STUMPED?”</p><p>“W4S TH4T 4 TR33 PUN?”</p><p>“…WOW YEAH I GUESS IT WAS.”</p><p>She grins. “WH4T 4 DORK.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because That's Not Cliché At All No Sir

The number of times you’ve been this far off the ground can all be attributed to one Terezi Pyrope, who somehow always ropes you into her treetop shenanigans. Right now is no exception; what was supposed to be a day of sparring practice turned into a tree climbing expedition. Hours later, you’re now stranded atop the highest tree you’ve ever seen in your 5 short sweeps of life.

You’re not entirely bitter about it. Sure, you probably won’t be able to get down without breaking a few limbs in the process. But the fact that you held your own and actually made it this far up is great enough to keep your mind off of that.

Terezi’s another story. The wild thing of a troll girl knows her way around these branches by heart. There will be no embarrassing stumbles from her when it’s time to head hive. And yet she’s the one leaning against the trunk of the tree, while you’re left sitting precariously on this old as hell tree branch that might as well be a twig.

“NO 1’M 4BSOLUT3LY POS1T1V3 H3’LL FLOP. HE DOESN’T HAVE THE WILL POW3R REQUIRED TO SUCCEED!”

“I’M TELLING YOU, THRESH PRINCE IS BY NO MEANS THE END OF HIS CAREER. HE’S GOT TALENT. THE FILM INDUSTRY WOULD BE INSANE NOT TO PICK HIM UP FOR SOMETHING.”

“BUT TH3 F1LM 1NDUSTRY *1S* 1NS4N3!”

“TOUCHE. HE’S STILL GONNA MAKE IT THOUGH.”

You’re not really intent on heading back to your hivestem just yet. As much of an absolute annoyance that she is 99% of the time, the other 1% makes nice company, enough that you consider her one of your closest friends. Sticking around to hang out wouldn’t exactly be torture. Besides, you have another hour or so before sun up.

“H3Y, C4N 1 4SK YOU 4 QU3ST1ON?”

“IF I SAY NO YOU’LL END UP ASKING IT ANYWAY SO GO AHEAD.”

“H4V3 YOU 3V3R B33N 1NT3R3ST3D 1N 4NYBODY B3FOR3? L1K3, QU4DR4NT-W1S3.”

“WOW. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?”

“1 DON’T KNOW, JUST CUR1OUS.”

The question catches you off guard a bit. Your talks have covered every thinkable topic before but somehow the subject of romantic interests never came up. 

“WELL I MEAN, IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE. WE ALL HAVE TO AT SOME POINT, DON’T WE?”

“Y34H, BUT 1 M34N MOR3 L1K3...OBL1G4T1ONS 4S1D3, 1S TH3R3 4NYBODY YOU’R3 1NTO?”

You’re silent a moment. It’s an invasive question and you have the complete right to tell her to fuck off, but for some reason part of you actually wants to have this discussion. You haven’t had one with anybody else on the matter, and it’s piqued your interest in the past.

But are you really willing to just give up private thoughts so easily like that? You’re not sure. She must sense your hesitation because she offers, “1’LL M4K3 1T 3V3N, YOU T3LL M3 SOM3TH1NG 4ND 1’LL T3LL YOU SOM3TH1NG.”

“…FAIR ENOUGH TRADE I GUESS. ALRIGHT. ANYTHING SPECIFIC YOU WERE WONDERING?”

“HMM…” she taps her chin thoughtfully. “OK4Y, L3T’S ST4RT W1TH 4SH3N!”

“EASY, NOBODY. I’M NOT GOING TO BOTHER WITH A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I DON’T GET ANY DAMN RESPECT IN IT.”

“S4M3. SO UH. 1 GU3SS YOU C4N 4SK M3 4 QU3ST1ON NOW.”

“ALRIGHT. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN ANYONE BLACK-WAYS?”

Terezi shakes her head. “1 H4T3 P3OPL3 4S MUCH 4S TH3 N3XT GUY BUT 1’M NOT R34LLY W1LL1NG TO K1SS TH3M TOO, YOU KNOW?”

“I HEAR YOU. EVERYONE’S TOO REPULSIVE TO CONSIDER DOING ANYTHING POSITIVE WITH THEM.” 

“OK4Y, 4NY P4L3 L34N1NGS?”

You fidget with the sleeve of your sweater; your top pale option wasn’t something you’d ever admitted to aloud. “…I KIND OF THOUGHT THAT…KANAYA WOULD MAKE A GOOD MOIRAIL.”

“1 KN3W 1T!!!” Terezi squeaks, Cheshire cat grin wide on her face. “4W TH4T’S SO CUT3 YOU GUYS WOULD B3 GR34T TOG3TH3R!”

“SHUT UP.” You fight to hold down the heat threatening to rise to your face. “AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?”

Remembering her end of the bargain quiets her for a moment. You swear she looks a bit sheepish when she replies, “1F H3 K3PT UP H1S 3ND OF P4C1F1C4T1ON DUT13S, 1 WOULDN’T COMPL3T3LY B3 4G41NST HOOK1NG UP W1TH…” she eyes you warily, “SOLLUX.”

“WHAT?! OF ALL PEOPLE, YOU HAVE A PALE THING FOR *CAPTOR*?!?”

“WOW W4Y TO 4NNOUNC3 1T TO TH3 WORLD, 4SSHOL3!” she huffs. “H3’S COOL, OK4Y? 4ND W3LL H3’S JUST 4LW4YS SO DOWN ON H1MS3LF, H3 N33DS SOM3BODY TO L3V3L H1M OUT 4ND…” her voice trails off.

“OKAY OKAY, I’M JUST SURPRISED IS ALL.” You feel a bit guilty; that wasn’t exactly the nicest reaction. “SOL’S A FUCKING HANDFUL AS A FRIEND, LET ALONE A MOIRAIL. BUT I GUESS IF SOMEBODY WAS GOING TO PACIFY HIM, YOU’D BE A PRETTY GOOD CANDIDATE.”

“H3H, TH4NKS. SO UH. 1 GU3SS TH4T ONLY L34V3S R3D.”

“YEAH…” You look at her expectantly. “WELL?”

“W3LL WH4T?”

“IT’S YOUR TURN, THAT’S WHAT.”

Her face flushes a bit. “OH. R1GHT.”

You’re both excited and nervous about discussing this particular quadrant. If you’re truly honest with yourself, the one troll you’d most like to fill this quadrant with is the one sitting across from you, who’s staring at her feet. But for all your bravado you’ve never had the courage to hint at this, let alone ask her out. In your eyes she’s always been in a league of her own, one you can only foolishly hope to achieve. Daring to ask her if she’d stoop down to your level seems criminal.

Luckily for you, she isn’t shy about speaking her mind, and if your feelings are reciprocated, this is the opportune chance to find out.

Surprisingly though, she’s still silent.

You prod her shoe. “STUMPED?”

“W4S TH4T 4 TR33 PUN?”

“…WOW YEAH I GUESS IT WAS.”

She grins. “WH4T 4 DORK.”

“LIKE I WATCH EVERYTHING I SAY FOR UNINTENDED GREENERY JOKES.”

“W3LL M4YB3 TH1S 1S 4 S1GN TH4T YOU SHOULD!”

“MAYBE THIS IS A SIGN THAT YOU’RE STALLING.”

Her grin falters a bit. “YOU’R3 TH3 ON3 WHO D1STR4CT3D M3, W1TH YOUR 1LL3G4L US3 OF OUR B3LOV3D L4NGU4G3 TO M4K3 4 SH1TTY TR33 PUN.”

“PUNS ARE ILLEGAL NOW?”

“Y3S! TH3Y H4V3 4LW4YS B33N R4TH3R 1LL1C3T, US3D BY ONLY TH3 MOST D4ST4RDLY OF CR1M1N4LS.”

“SO YOU’R3 4CCUS1NG M3 OF B31NG A CRIMINAL THEN.”

“1T 1S S4D TO S4Y TH3 3V1D3NC3 1S ST4CK3D 4G41NST YOU. WH1CH M34NS 4S 4CT1NG L3G1SL4C3R4TOR, 1 4M R3QU1R3D TO PUN1SH YOU TO TH3 FULL3ST 3XT3NT OF TH3 L4W.”

“AND WHAT, MAY I ASK, IS THE PENALTY FOR SOMETHING AS SUPPOSIDELY INDECENT AS PUN-MAKING?”

“GL4D YOU 4SK3D!” She grins wickedly at you. “1 H3R3BY S3NT3NC3 THR3SH3CUT1ON3R V4NT4S TO R3V34L1NG H1S FLUSH3D 1NT3R3STS B3FOR3 1 DO!”

“WHOA OKAY NO. THAT’S DEFINITELY OUT OF LINE”

“SORRY K1D, TH4T’S TH3 L4W!”

“THIS LAW IS CORRUPT! YOU JUST STALLED IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY TO GET OUT OF YOUR TURN! IN FACT, IT BREAKS THE DEAL WE MADE EARLIER!”

“OUR D3AL S41D NOTH1NG 4BOUT H4V1NG TO GO 1N ORD3R. W3 4LSO D1DN’T S4Y 1T COULD GO 4G41NST TH3 L4W!”

“THIS IS ILLEGAL IN SOME WAY I JUST KNOW IT.”

“NOW *YOU’R3* TH3 ON3 ST4LL1NG.”

You cross your arms in defiance, but not defeat. Most of the time you give in to Terezi’s whims when it comes to her roleplaying, in part because resisting is more trouble than it’s worth and in part because it’s endearing when she jumps around excitedly like she’s arrested a real law breaker. But there’s too much riding on this particular case to let it slip by.

Think fast, Vantas. How can you get yourself out of this one? You take a moment to think and you come up with a plan that might just work.

“THE ACCUSED HAS A COUNTERARGUMENT TO PROVE HIS INNOCENCE!” you announce.

She tilts her head. “HMM. 4 SURP1S1NG D3V3LOPM3NT. 4LR1GHT TH3N, L3T US H3R3 TH3 THR3SH3CUT1ON3R’S PL34!”

Perfect. You know she can’t resist it when you actually put effort into playing along.

“MY DEAR LEGISLACERATOR, I AM CHARGED WITH THE CRIME OF PUN MAKING, AM I NOT?”

“TH4T 1S CORR3CT.”

“WITH THE PUNISHMENT OF GOING FIRST IN A TURN THAT, UNOFFICIALLY, IS YOURS?”

“Y3S S1R!”

“AND HAVE WE NOT, IN PAST TRIALS SUCH AS THE ONE BEFORE US NOW, ESTABLISHED THAT THE GUILTY PARTY’S ACTIONS MAY BE CANELED OUT BY PROVING THE ACCUSER GUILTY OF AN EQUAL OR GREATER BLASPHEMY?”

“1ND33D W3 H4V3 3ST4BL1SH3D TH4T! 1F M3MORY S3RV3S M3, 1 BOUGHT MY FR33DOM L4ST W33K BY PROV1NG YOU GU1LTY OF SMOTH3R1NG PROF3SSOR PUC3FOOT W1TH 4 SOCK.”

“YES YOU DID. AND I’M VERY GLAD WE HAVE NO ARGUMENTS OVER THESE DETAILS.”

“THR3SH3CUT1ON3R V4NT4S, 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG TH4T YOURS TRULY H4S COMM1T3D 4 CR1M3?”

“I AM.”

Terezi puts a hand dramatically to her forehead. “WH4T SC4ND4L! ST4T3 WH4T H31NOUS WRONGDO1NG 1 H4V3 SUPPOS1D3LY DON3, TH3N!”

“IF IT MAY PLEASE THE COURT.” You clear your throat. "AT APPROXIMATELY 0400 HOURS, LEGISLACERATOR PYROPE AND I BEGAN A JOURNEY, ONE THAT WOULD END AT THE VERY SPOT WE OCCUPY NOW. UPON REACHING OUR DESTINATION, WE BEGAN A DISCUSSION ON SOME PREVALENT ACTORS OF POPULAR TELEVISON CULTURE. CAN YOU CONFIRM, MISS PYROPE?”

“Y3S 1 C4N. 1 B3L13V3 W3 M3NT1ON3D TROLL BOB S4G3T, TROLL COURTN3Y COX, TROLL J3RRY S31NFELD...-“

“AS WELL AS TROLL WILL SMITH?”

She nods.

“TROLL WILL SMITH, AS YOU ALL KNOW, IS THE LEAD ACTOR IN THE POPULAR SERIES ‘THE THRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIRE’. I THINK IT WOULD INTEREST THE COURT TO ALSO KNOW THAT, DURING OUR DISCUSSION OF SAID ACTOR, MY ACCUSER MADE A CERTAIN REMARK REGARDING HIS LEGITIMACY IN HIS PROFESSION AND HIS FUTURE EXPLOITS. MISS PYROPE?”

“1 S41D TH4T M1ST3R SM1TH 1S L1K3LY TO FLOP R4TH3R TH4N CONT1NU3 H1S C4R33R!” Here she makes little hushed gasps, simulating the courtroom you’re appealing to. They’re surprised at the legislacerator’s lack of confidence in Mr. Smith’s acting abilities.

“DO YOU REMEMBER SPECIFICALLY WHAT YOU PREDICTED TO BE HIS DOWNFALL?”

“Y3S, 1 S41D H3 L4CKS TH3 W1-” She cuts herself off abruptly and her eyes go wide.

You fight back a grin. “SORRY, I DON’T BELIEVE I CAUGHT THAT. COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER?”

She keeps her mouthed clamped shut.

“MISS PYROPE, NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE UNDER OATH? PLEASE TELL THE COURTROOM WHAT YOU ACCUSED ‘THE THRESH PRINCE’ OF LACKING.”

She sighs heavily, appearing to accept that she’s walked herself right into your trap. “1 S41D TH4T H3 L4CKS…TH4T H3 L4CKS TH3 W1LL POW3R N33D3D TO SUCC33D.”

“THE WILL POW3R N33D3D TO SUCCEED. AND REMIND ME, WHAT IS THE THRESH PRINCE’S GIVEN NAME?”

“…W1LL SM1TH.”

“WILL SMITH!”

You imitate the noises she made earlier for the courtroom, in an even more shocked manner. What a scandal this has shaped up to be! The whole town will speak of this for perigrees.

“AND WITH THIS EVIDENCE PRESENTED BY THE GUILTY PARTY HERSELF, I FIND LEGISLACERATOR PYROPE GUILTY OF USING OUR BELOVED LANGUAGE TO MAKE A SHITTY ACTOR PUN.”

Terezi hangs her head. “4 NOBL3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR SUCH 4S 1, T4K3N DOWN BY TH3 V3RY L4W SH3 S4UGHT TO 3NFORC3. TH3 PROF3SSOR WOULD B3 4SH4M3D.” She snaps her head back up, smiling. “N1C3 WORK TH3R3, V4NT4S! D1DN’T TH1NK YOU’D G3T OUT OF TH4T ON3!”

You make a little bow and she laughs. “NOW. SEEING AS WE’VE SETTLED THAT, OUR DEEDS HAVE CANCELED EACH OTHER OUT. THEREFORE!” Now you allow yourself a smirk. “I BELIEVE WE ONLY HAVE THE SUBJECT OF YOUR FLUSHED LEANINGS LEFT TO ADDRESS, LEGISLACERATOR.”

She pouts. “4W. C4N’T W3 JUST S4Y 1 D1D? 1 TH1NK 1’V3 SUFF3R3D 3NOUGH H3R3, DON’T YOU TH1NK?”

“IF IT WASN’T FOR MY SPLIT-SECOND THINKING AND FANTASTIC REBUTTLE, YOU WOULD HAVE PUT ME IN YOUR POSITION, REMEMBER?”

She smirks. “DON’T G3T COCKY, 1T W4S 4 *D3C3NT* R3BUTTL3.” Her smile fades and she stares at her shoes again. It pulls at the blood pusher strings a bit and you suddenly feel guilty.

“…YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO,” you say quietly. You might kick yourself later for putting in so much effort just to give in anyways, but you hate to see her anything other than cheerful and overly enthusiastic.

“NO, YOU WON F41R 4ND SQU4R3. W3 H4D 4 D34L.”

“ARE YOU SURE?”

“Y34H, JUST…JUST DON’T L4UGH OR 4NYTH1NG, OK4Y?”

“I WON’T. I PROMISE.”

“B3C4US3 1’LL PUSH YOU OUT OF TH1S TR33 1F YOU DO.”

“I KNOW YOU WILL.”

She stares at you for a moment, scanning your face. You guess she decides that you’re telling the truth – and you are – because she nods to herself, confirming that unspoken question. Looking around briefly, she motions you closer with a hand motion. There’s no one but the two of you among the treetops but you can respect the want for secrecy. You scoot nearer to her perch near the trunk of the tree.

Her hand comes up to her mouth and she leans forward, so you turn your ear to hear the name she’s about to whisper.

Instead you feel a soft, warm pressure on your cheek. And as quick as it comes, it’s gone.

The truth of what has happened fails to register in your think pan. You turn to face her and see she’s covered her mouth with her hand, teal overtaking her face, her gaze at a tree somewhere off in the distance. It takes another moment for it to dawn on you.

She just kissed you.

She just *kissed you*.

Your face burns hot and you think you might be gaping a little bit. She’s managed to do what you've longed to do for ages now. No wonder why she seemed so shy. If her thoughts are anything like yours, she was mentally screaming this whole time.

Hand shaking more than you’d like it to, you reach out to remove the one covering her face. You silently beg your romcoms to not fail you now and lean in until you feel that soft pressure again, this time on your lips.

In a way, they have failed you. The perfect First Kiss moments they all honor and put spotlights on, with hours of lead-up and sexual tension to make it that much more special, are nowhere near as electric as what you’re feeling right now. There was no way to prepare you for the shock that came when your skin touched hers, and therefore even less ways to prepare you for how it feels when she begins to kiss you back.

It strikes you as cliché that you’re in a tree the first time you kiss her, but then again, you've always been a sucker for that sort of thing.

**Author's Note:**

> There's a million fics/drawings/etc. of this happening I'm sure of it but it wouldn't kill the world to have one more
> 
> Disclaimer I'm sorry if it does actually kill the world I didn't mean it
> 
> EDIT 5/12/16: you guys have left so many sweet comments!!! thank you guys I appreciate it so much <333


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